“Thank You”, I managed to mumble to the nurse as she held the back of my gown-closed best she could and helped me back into my bed. My body wrought with hundreds of black and blue reminders of the perpetual ache that for so long I had only know inside. For the secret doubt that fueled the my internal flame was a fire that although had for years been smoldering deep within the quiet spaces of my mind was always dancing just on the cusp of wild.
However, now after the crash, I no longer had to permit fear to fan and hush the flames. For now everyone had too become aware of their existence both literally and figuratively. Unable to any longer, for one more day hid what was clearly now in plain site.
In an instant the hands of fate were transformed and became the hands of my husband, giving life to our now undeniable extinction. An inevitable truth that we had always known, even when we didn’t would one day catch up to us.
An invisible map dot drawn in long ago and done so in the unforgiving and permanent ink of unrequited love, a luminous signal, a absolute place, a plotable point in time. Representing a destination in which we had always been headed regardless of our course. A stain always there just behind our smiles forced and sincere, the shadows that played tricks with our minds in the moments we ever dared make those silly plans of forever.
For as any good airman, seaman, and human knows it is never wise and will without fail lead all those who try to no uncertain death should dare to pass what destiny knows to be our point of safe return.
My lips suddenly crack and begin to burn as I smirk ever so slightly from behind my over starched and sterile pillow. A wretchedly uncomfortable lump of fabric useless as any aid for sleep but nevertheless I bury my face in it as I smile. Aware that worse yet would be to meet the lingering smell of defeat that is all around me with an open mouth.
Defeat so thick you can taste it, feel it, almost see it as it hangs upon everything within this walls and as it does in every hospital regardless of any new age esthetics. The defeat found within a hospital is as unavoidable as my reason for being there at all.
I am smirking because I realize now in my acceptance that fate has done her due diligence, yet perhaps in the end… maybe… Jack and I, maybe, I mean surely we must have had a bit of luck on our side? …somewhere?…and in that same somewhere it will be found when we reflect years from now back upon the pages of what is now without question our legacy?
After all would we not become bigger fools than those we stand as today if we were to ever look at anyone, and especially ourselves and of course most of all to each other and dare even if ever so briefly, hint at wallowing in the enormity of the wreckage and absolute carnal destruction our world has become, rather than be grateful for all we did escape.
For in time our secret knowing will once again be tucked back within. Though then it will live in our hearts, with the power to then silence forever the details of our past duties. For all answers and all questions will forever remain locked within the truth of our truths …~ THERE WAS A WAR